Well, do you know what it is. I really don't, even though I have been diagnosed with it for about 2 years now. I have been struggling and fighting with it for about seven years now. At least thats the best I can figure.

What does it feel like? Well, I'll tell you, unless you've ever felt it you can't possibly understand. I can say that you feel hopeless, but how do you describe hopeless?

It came on me today, without any warning. All of a sudden, I just felt tired and I felt like there was a heavy weight crushing my chest. I couldn't get excited or even care about anything. I wandered through the house hoping that the feeling would go away. Perhaps if I can find something to do, I thought, it will take this feeling away and I can forget about it.

Well, that's not how it works. I just wandered and wandered and the cat just sat there and looked at me like I was crazy. Which in fact, I guess I am to a certain extent. I'll never understand how I got this way. Oh well.

Just the other day, things got so bad for me that I just curled up on the floor in the bedroom and laid there. I couldn't even move. I just laid there and felt it coming over me from my head to my feet. A giant feeling of dread washing over me.

Today, I didn't even want to go out of the house, even though I was supposed to pick up my wife..just because there were some people nearby my front door talking. I just didn't want to see them. Finally, just before it was too late, they moved on and I slunk out the door.

I know that my wife is worried about me today, but i just don't know what to tell her. I know that she wants to make things better for me, but if I knew the way to do that, I sure wouldn't keep it a secret!. 3/23/98

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